Memories of Siarra's last Christmas

Well, Christmas has come and gone once again and I just didn't feel like blogging-SORRY! However I would like to show all of you a picture of Siarra's last Christmas with us. It is New Years Eve and I hope everyone the very BEST of EVERYTHING in 2009. I was surrounded by family (my sister) and friends (many, many) and it helped make it a bit easier. For some reason this holiday season was very difficult for me-but I made it and I am looking forward to a good 2009. Once again I will be spending tonight and tommorrow with many special friends that will help me through. Love & Peace to All!

The Thanksgiving holiday

It has been a while since I posted anything-lots of things going on. First, Cody just got home tonight after hunting with his dad all weekend-no deer but he didn't seem too upset. He was suppose to be home last night (sunday @ 6:00-for those of you who don't know his dad and I share him 50/50, from sunday @ 6:00 to the following sunday @ 6:00). He called last night and asked if he could stay with dad so he could hunt again today, hunting only comes once a year so I said sure. His first report card was very good so he got miss school today-BONUS!! He asked if it was ok to spend Thanksgiving with his Dad because one of his favorite cousins "JEB" will be there and also lots of Aunts, Uncles and his Grandma(only one left). So he will go back to dad's house tomorrow after school and stay until Friday. During this time I will be in Sheboygan with all my favorite people. Gerri and I will be spending lots of time together and cooking thanksgiving goodies on Wednesday-maybe even sweet potatoe pie(asked for especially by Miss Alyssa). Then up at 4:00 am to shop Friday-Gerri's crazy!!!!!!!! I do have to say I have not had Cody a Thanksgiving since Siarra died-I have just learned to deal with it but for some reason it is bothering me more this year than previous years. In my heart I know how much Cody wants to be with everyone at dad's house-but I also know it is hard for him to tell me that. What do you do?? Sacrifice-like I have been doing for the last 4 Thanksgiving holidays. Todd (Cody's dad)just has no idea what it is like to have niether of his children with him for a holiday-I do!! Maybe it was this last week that has made me so emotional(again). I had a patient last week -a classmate of Siarra's- Liz had her wisdom teeth taken out-she did fine. I have seen alot of Siarra's classmates in our office over the last 3-4 years-it is never easy. However, Liz's mom

had a very hard time knowing I was Siarra's mom-she just broke down and sobbed telling me her daughter was at Siarra's funeral and how beautiful it was. Is there such a thing???? She just kept telling me she was so sorry. I guess the one thing that sticks in my mind about that conversation is she referred to Siarra as "The Siarra-the siarra who fell out of the truck, you are her mother" What does that mean-I will tell you what it means-I feel like I am no longer Tammy-but "Siarra's mom " and my son is no longer Cody but "Siarra's little brother". Don't get me wrong I will always be Siarra's mom and proud of it, but it is almost as if you are labeled. Just one more thing before I say goodnight, I ran into another classmate of Siarra's-her very good friend Wayne(great kid) who decided to tattoo Siarra's name on his forearm-from elbow to wrist-but actually took a copy of her signature from a yearbook and had her personal signature tattooed on his arm-WOW!! I asked him why and he said because she is my angel and I will never forget her. He just did this within the last year.

He is not the only one who has a tattoo with her name-but his is very unique!!! I wish you all a "Happy Thanksgiving" I know it is a little early but the closer it gets the harder it is to be without Siarra. What am I thankful for? The 17 years I had Siarra, all my friends and family(especially Cody) and for God giving me the chance to be a mother. GOD BLESS

MY HONEY'S BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is my honey's 45th birthday. I have been truely blessed with him-from deep within my heart and soul I believe Siarra sent him to me. Thanks Siarra (my peanut)-I wish you were here.

EMOTIONALLY A MESS!

I am really missing my little Siarra this week-my heart feels very sad. Cody is with his dad this week we share him 50/50 (meaning he goes to dads on sunday at 6pm returns to me the following sunday at pm) this was the same when Siarra was still here. So, as you can imagine my weeks without Cody are very lonely-not quite as bad as right after losing Siarra-but still very hard. I went from having a daughter and son-to being alone when Cody is at his dads. Siarra would always come and visit me even when she was at dads house. I miss her just stopping by to say "hi" or go shopping or just visit. Another day I will talk about Todd-Siarra and Cody's dad-it is a very difficult situation-he is bi-polar, but we will save that for another time. I am not quite ready to go back to the day of Siarra's accident-it is very hard along with the 3 years of media coverage/lawyers/insurance companies and disappointments, but someday I will tell Siarra's story start to finish. So, just like you feel frustrations raising you children, one step forward and 3 steps back, I really do understand because we are all mothers, my steps are just a little different. Ok, I have really made a mess out of this post. Maybe it is because the holidays are right around the corner and that is never easy. I really really miss her!!!!

siarra

Perhaps they
are not stars,
but openings in
the Heaven
where the love of
our lost ones
pours through
and shines upon us
to let us know
they are happy.

My first blog-be patient!

After way too may hours of trying to figure this blogging stuff out -here goes. ABOUT ME-I probably sounded like a rambling fool and my son Cody is sitting next to me playing "XBOX LIVE" and he says I look and sound like a fool watching a Packer game-yelling at the TV-he is not much better if fact-worse!!! My best friend in the whole wide world GERRI insisted I give this blogging a try-her Dr. suggested it to her. She said it would help me deal with day to day issues but most of all with my grief. ABOUT ME- I lost my daughter Siarra on July 2, 2005-just 17 years old-to be exact 3 wks after her 17th birthday. It has been a long 3 plus years. I miss
her so very much-a space in my heart that will never be filled. My son Cody 13 yrs now and driving me crazy(because raising boys is so much different than girls) was only 9 at the time. It absolutely devastated him. He and Siarra were very close-7 years apart but very close. It really sucks to be a only child-especially after it didn't start out that way. Their father and I are divorced and have been for 10 years. I have a wonderful fiance BRUCE who is my best friend GERRI'S husbands brother-if you can follow that. He never really knew Siarra-we started dating about 1 month after I lost Siarra-he is MY ANGEL ON EARTH!!!!! I believe Siarra sent him to me because right before her death I was in a 3 year relationship and not a good one. Needless to say, it ended two weeks after Siarra died. All she ever wanted was for mom to be happy. I am truely happy with Bruce -but what a precious price to pay. The real kicker is my best friend Gerri, her husband Jeff, their beautiful daughter Alyssa and my fiance Bruce all live in Sheboygan and I live in Wausau. There is so much to tell so many feelings to share-but my honey will be here soon so I need to go for now. I promise to post pictures of everyone soon-especially Siarra-she is absolutely beautiful-she was a dancer since age 3 and also sang like an angel-country being her favorite-don't know where she got that from? Oh, and before I forget my two precious kittens Gracie and Harley pets make a big difference when you are alone. Every other week Cody is at his dad's house. OK ,I really have to go!!!