The Thanksgiving holiday

It has been a while since I posted anything-lots of things going on. First, Cody just got home tonight after hunting with his dad all weekend-no deer but he didn't seem too upset. He was suppose to be home last night (sunday @ 6:00-for those of you who don't know his dad and I share him 50/50, from sunday @ 6:00 to the following sunday @ 6:00). He called last night and asked if he could stay with dad so he could hunt again today, hunting only comes once a year so I said sure. His first report card was very good so he got miss school today-BONUS!! He asked if it was ok to spend Thanksgiving with his Dad because one of his favorite cousins "JEB" will be there and also lots of Aunts, Uncles and his Grandma(only one left). So he will go back to dad's house tomorrow after school and stay until Friday. During this time I will be in Sheboygan with all my favorite people. Gerri and I will be spending lots of time together and cooking thanksgiving goodies on Wednesday-maybe even sweet potatoe pie(asked for especially by Miss Alyssa). Then up at 4:00 am to shop Friday-Gerri's crazy!!!!!!!! I do have to say I have not had Cody a Thanksgiving since Siarra died-I have just learned to deal with it but for some reason it is bothering me more this year than previous years. In my heart I know how much Cody wants to be with everyone at dad's house-but I also know it is hard for him to tell me that. What do you do?? Sacrifice-like I have been doing for the last 4 Thanksgiving holidays. Todd (Cody's dad)just has no idea what it is like to have niether of his children with him for a holiday-I do!! Maybe it was this last week that has made me so emotional(again). I had a patient last week -a classmate of Siarra's- Liz had her wisdom teeth taken out-she did fine. I have seen alot of Siarra's classmates in our office over the last 3-4 years-it is never easy. However, Liz's mom

had a very hard time knowing I was Siarra's mom-she just broke down and sobbed telling me her daughter was at Siarra's funeral and how beautiful it was. Is there such a thing???? She just kept telling me she was so sorry. I guess the one thing that sticks in my mind about that conversation is she referred to Siarra as "The Siarra-the siarra who fell out of the truck, you are her mother" What does that mean-I will tell you what it means-I feel like I am no longer Tammy-but "Siarra's mom " and my son is no longer Cody but "Siarra's little brother". Don't get me wrong I will always be Siarra's mom and proud of it, but it is almost as if you are labeled. Just one more thing before I say goodnight, I ran into another classmate of Siarra's-her very good friend Wayne(great kid) who decided to tattoo Siarra's name on his forearm-from elbow to wrist-but actually took a copy of her signature from a yearbook and had her personal signature tattooed on his arm-WOW!! I asked him why and he said because she is my angel and I will never forget her. He just did this within the last year.

He is not the only one who has a tattoo with her name-but his is very unique!!! I wish you all a "Happy Thanksgiving" I know it is a little early but the closer it gets the harder it is to be without Siarra. What am I thankful for? The 17 years I had Siarra, all my friends and family(especially Cody) and for God giving me the chance to be a mother. GOD BLESS

MY HONEY'S BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is my honey's 45th birthday. I have been truely blessed with him-from deep within my heart and soul I believe Siarra sent him to me. Thanks Siarra (my peanut)-I wish you were here.

EMOTIONALLY A MESS!

I am really missing my little Siarra this week-my heart feels very sad. Cody is with his dad this week we share him 50/50 (meaning he goes to dads on sunday at 6pm returns to me the following sunday at pm) this was the same when Siarra was still here. So, as you can imagine my weeks without Cody are very lonely-not quite as bad as right after losing Siarra-but still very hard. I went from having a daughter and son-to being alone when Cody is at his dads. Siarra would always come and visit me even when she was at dads house. I miss her just stopping by to say "hi" or go shopping or just visit. Another day I will talk about Todd-Siarra and Cody's dad-it is a very difficult situation-he is bi-polar, but we will save that for another time. I am not quite ready to go back to the day of Siarra's accident-it is very hard along with the 3 years of media coverage/lawyers/insurance companies and disappointments, but someday I will tell Siarra's story start to finish. So, just like you feel frustrations raising you children, one step forward and 3 steps back, I really do understand because we are all mothers, my steps are just a little different. Ok, I have really made a mess out of this post. Maybe it is because the holidays are right around the corner and that is never easy. I really really miss her!!!!